How to kill a werewolf, pt 1

page 13

This one WEIRD trick kills the whole werewolf!  You won't believe how!  Click HERE to find out the secret that professional beast exterminators don't want you to know!  Local VIRGINIA man figured out how to do it for just PENNIES!

The Wolfanfenstein

page 12

It's a little known fact, one you never learned in D.A.R.E. class, but a combination of alcohol and cannabis, if consumed together in the correct proportion and at the right time, can transform the human body into a lupine beast.  Scientists are still studying the phenomenon and its origins, and they have determined that it commonly occurs after drinking 4 beers followed by a GB.  Beyond that, very little is known for certain about the mysterious Wolfanfenstein, except for their marked fondness for shotgunning and Van Halen's "Panama."

Misc. shenanigans

page 9

page 10

page 11

try at home

Imagine you're a monster...

page 8

One day this will be a video game that you play in your sleep, but when you wake up, you've got no clothes on and you're covered in dirt and blood.  You try to scream, but the only thing you can hear is a MIDI loop of "N.I.B."

The "Travolta Deathclaw"

page 7

Using the magic of CGI, Hollywood should have no problem bringing this nightmare to life. The only question is which version of Travolta would be more terrifying: young, feathered-hair 70's Travolta or old, beefy-necked modern-day Travolta?  Actually, the more I think about this, the more obvious it is that the clear choice here is definitely the Battlefield Earth version.

Recipe #1

page 6

This is not part of a balanced breakfast.  This product does not cure/treat/prevent any disease.  These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.  Do not consume.

White faced gentleman

pages 4-5

I think that "Something About a White Faced Gentleman" could easily replace the title of about 75% of the books that have been written about music/film/anything in pop culture from the past half-century.

Quotes for the ages

page 2

page 3

These quotes are a small sampling of the kinds of deranged thoughts that the human brain creates under the influence of that most infamous of plants, marihuana or "reefer" as it is called by the youth of today.  If your kids are using these kinds of phrases or listening to jazz music, they may be doped up on marihuana!  Stay vigilant, America!

Out-of-context quotes

page 1

Pretty sure that the quote at the top is unrelated to the drawing, but they go together well, like a re-captioned New Yorker cartoon. Or this awesome site.

Fucking delicious characters

 

A comprehensive list of TV characters who are worthy of your admiration.  If you wish to live up to your potential as a human being, then look to these fictional men for inspiration.  If you already know these names well, then you are on the path to enlightenment.  If not, here is a list of shows to better acquaint yourself with:

1. King of the Hill
2. That 70's Show
3. Home Movies
4. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
5. Squidbillies
6. The Venture Bros.
7. Avatar: The Last Airbender
8. Futurama
9. Sealab 2021
10. Mad Men
11. Trailer Park Boys

If that list made you roll your eyes in disgust, then I don't think you're ready for the wisdom of the books just yet.

Welcome to Kraezofsky!

[WELCOME TO "KRAEZOFSKY"]

["THE OLD TESTAMENT"]

The following pages are from a set of old books recently uncovered from the archives of the former Soviet KGB, having sat, undisturbed on a shelf deep in the bowels of the Lubyanka Building in Moscow for over 45 years.  They are allegedly secret manifestos written in the gulags, passed between prisoners.  They have remained untranslated until now.  Feast your decadent, capitalist eyes on the glorious wisdom that is KRAEZOFSKY!