LAME

page 65

There's nothing quite like the doodles in the margins of old schoolwork.  It's the perfect mix of innocence and profanity.

Jazz Evening Gentlemen

page 64

Fact: playing postwar cool jazz in the background will instantly class up any social gathering, from a D&D quest to an S&M orgy.

A letter from the past

page 63

You may think that writing letters is old-fashioned and uncool, but you know what else is pretty old-fashioned? Breathing oxygen, but I don't see anyone saying how lame it is that people still do that.

Sour Jesus

page 62

Look it up; it's in the Bible somewhere, I'm positive.

Preserve The Moose

page 61

Deep inside each and every one of us is an antler animal; all you have to do to unleash it is lose your fucking mind.

Just glow

page 60

I wish things would glow bright green if they were radioactive like they do in cartoons.  The Cold War already seems like the plot of a G.I. Joe episode, so it would be appropriate if the nuclear weapons matched the over-the top mentality of everything else.

The Dirty Six

page 59

Graffiti is the only crime where the better you are at it, the more people actually approve of you doing it.  Nobody gets excited when a world famous arsonist burns down their house.

Wolfsac

page 58

Talk to your doctor today, and find out if prescription-only Wolfsac™ is right for you.

Sizzle Slide

page 57

Sometimes, you just gotta embrace your heroes, flaws and all; because we're all human, and we've all done things that other people wouldn't approve of if they knew.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm the guy who calls in to radio stations and requests the latest Nickelback song.

Gargoyle Enemy Walk

page 56

If you ever see someone shuffling up the street with a hunched back and flailing arms, then you've got a genuine gargoyle enemy on your hands.  Proceed with caution.

Drawing game pt. 2

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page 55

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is without a doubt "Archimedes, hot dog, rhubarb."

Drawing game pt. 1

page 45

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If you ever find yourself with a group of friends and nothing to do, playing a surrealist parlor game is a surefire way to have a good time, especially if you have booze on hand.

Navajo shaman

page 44

Few titles carry as much respect as "shaman" because if people think you're a shaman, they'll take anything you say seriously.  In fact, the less sense it makes, the more they're bound to think you're full of wisdom when you're really just tripping balls.

Don't resist the touch

page 43

Just try and resist it.  It's impossible.

Don't smoke

page 42

Thanks to the propaganda efforts by the fatcats in Big Cannabis, the public has no knowledge of the most serious side-effect of smoking pot: Runaway Jaw Syndrome, or RJS.  Please, tell a stoner you care about, before it's too late.

Wolfin' out

page 41

If you ever find yourself in the throes of a spontaneous lycanthropic transformation, blame the liquor.

Licking column

page 40

Be careful which letters you lick; some might turn you into a Roman column or a metal demon, depending on the font.

Future hat

pages 38-39

The combination gun-hat may seem far-fetched now, but just wait until the 2016 Republican Convention.  You'll wish you had bought stock in my hat-gun start-up when Rand Paul starts a nationwide fashion craze after he accepts the nomination with a Beretta perfectly balanced upon his head.

No-Sit

pages 36-37

If the No-Sit record ever changes your life, please send a self addressed envelope to: No-Sit Guy, PO box 754, Normal, CA 93459 and await further instructions.

Mr. Metroid

page 35

Even though he repeatedly tried to suck out my life force through my ear canal, Mr. Metroid was still the best substitute teacher I ever had.

Clones

page 34

Make sure you keep any cloning devices you may own locked away during parties, otherwise you could end up with several dozen copies of one of your friends running around after he unsuccessfully tried to solve the classic sitcom dilemma of being in two different places at the same time.

Emergency rolling paper

page 33

The only thing worse than having no smoking papers is getting the ol' French skununder.

"Let's Rumble"

page 32

Fuck making art, it's too much work and nobody cares any more.  I'm just gonna move to California and set up a Kickstarter for my one page movie script and let the power of strangers on the Internet work its magic.  I'll be raking in serious cash in no time!

Happy calderas

page 31

Volcanoes are nature's potheads, because they're always smoking. I got that one from a Popsicle stick.  I wish I could come up with jokes that funny, I don't know how they do it over there at the Popsicle factory.

Rhetorical questions

page 30

If you're going to ask rhetorical questions, make sure you act like you're a TV detective, or a celebrity lawyer, or some other profession where people talk like that; otherwise, you'll just end up sounding confused all the time.

Into the Void

pages 28-29

Whether you're exploring the farthest reaches of the cosmos or the deep recesses of your own mind, always remember where the appropriate switches are located.  Your life could depend on it!

People on TV

page 27

Every so often, you come across a human whose features make them seem like they're a fictional character come to life; like they originally existed as a sidekick in some kids anime movie before a lonely 8 year old accidentally brought them into our reality through some kind of wish-related magical spell.

The Skin Merchant Arrives

page 26

If you're ever approached by a stranger carrying a pole laden with decaying animals, and he's mumbling something about "can you buy the skiiiiinnnnssss?" while barely maintaining his balance, then you should definitely buy his wares, for he is a reputable skin merchant.

Metal Ralf meets Ranger Magee

pages 24-25

This painting depicts the moment when two legendary figures met for the first time.  One is a rat with a sword for a tail, the other is the original Fat Southern Sheriff, but together, they're America's favorite crime-fighting duo.

The Craziest Detective in 1940

page 23

This is the most bizarre acting choice Gary Oldman has ever made in his varied career, and that includes the time he played a dwarf.

Misc. quotes

page 22

When your life is a Chuck Lorre sitcom, then you can only speak in poorly constructed puns and half-baked punchlines.  It's a living hell, and it's coming up next on CBS.

Demon bong

pages 20-21

If you see dinosaur ghosts escaping from your demon cyclops bong after you take a hit, you're probably smoking angel dust instead of weed.

Cowabunga

pages 18-19

I really hope that in 200 years, 80s slang is the equivalent of us talking in Shakespearean English.

Battery money

page 17

This far-fetched idea is  either from a post-apocolyptic sci-fi series set 50 years in the future, or the official U.S. monetary policy following the election of Rand Paul.

Brain Scooper 280X

page 16

Given the track record of Americans interacting with consumer-grade technology, I'm actually glad that we don't have any of the amazing gadgets from sci-fi movies.  One dumb kid would paralyze themselves riding a hoverboard and ruin it for the rest of us.

Behold, the penis

page 15

This is hands down the worst pick-up line ever.  If someone says this to you in a bar, they're either blackout drunk or they have massive head trauma.

The theory of puff, puff, puff, pass

page 14

Someday, stoners will look back on this document the way Protestants regard Martin Luther's 95 Theses.

Superheroes pt. 3

page 13

My favorite Willem Dafoe role will always be the Green Goblin, because to this day, any time I see the word "Spider-Man," my mind goes to his voice saying "Spiiiiiderrrrr-Maaaaaaan!!" so dramatically that Nic Cage would tell him to tone it down.

Spidey & Aquaman

page 12

This is the second time Spider-Man has shown up in these files.  I think that motherfucker has a serious drug problem.

Captain America

pages 10-11

If Captain America was really the personification of the ol' U.S. of A, then his skin would be Simpsons yellow, he'd have diabetes, and his uniform would be covered in corporate logos NASCAR-style.

Juicy hands

page 9

If you've got any surplus hands, feet, or other unused body parts laying around, send them to this guy.