The Jelly Offering

page 71

page 72

If you ever find yourself lost in an otherworldly mushroom forest with neon air-jellies filling the sky around you, don't worry; you're probably just on acid.  That, or you really are in outer space and your helmet has a leak, and your oxygen-starved brain is making it all up.

Johnleg

page 70

The Johnleg is a powerful creature, capable of reshaping the Earth into whatever shapes strike its fancy.

Let the goose fly

page 69

There should be a customary type of bird that people release onto the street whenever they have a party.  That way, if you see a goose or whatever wandering the neighborhood, you know there's a sweet shindig going on nearby.

Necronomicon

page 68

I think it's pretty well established that if a book's cover is made of a living face, that book is evil.  Doubly evil if it's Bill O'Reilly's face.

Turn groovy for a moment

page 67

This is how about 95% of all TV shows get created.  A bunch of sentient lumps inhale drugs and then shout gibberish at each other.

Preserve the moose

page 66

Whatever it is that sets you apart from the mainstream is the best part of who you are.  Never lose touch with the weirdness inside you.  Unless it makes you vote Republican, that is. Because I think we can agree that voting Republican is weird as fuck if you're not a billionaire.

Smokin' Ripe

pages 64-65

If you haven't consumed illegal drugs through the carcass of an endangered animal at least once in your life, then you're not really living.  What are you waiting for?  Go out there and do it!

Sgt. Pothead

page 63

I'm starting a Beatles cover band that plays their songs in the style of Sublime, while dressed like trustafarians.  We'll be called Sgt. Pothead and every "cool" kid on your dorm floor will be at our shows.

Lottery ticket

page 62

You win some, you lose some.

Alcoholosaurus

pages 60-61

Few things in this world are as majestic and terrifying as a drunk dinosaur.

Handwritten letter

page 59

It's inevitable, with all the "artisan" and "hand-crafted" versions of consumer goods proliferating in the marketplace, that right now, somebody is forming a company dedicated to sending out your email in the form of a handwritten letter.  And that makes me want to vomit.

Birthdays

page 58

Birthdays are a chance to act as recklessly as you want without anyone judging your behavior.  If you want to set fire to a Best Buy while smoking PCP, then hey, go for it; it's your birthday.