Battery money

page 17

This far-fetched idea is  either from a post-apocolyptic sci-fi series set 50 years in the future, or the official U.S. monetary policy following the election of Rand Paul.

Brain Scooper 280X

page 16

Given the track record of Americans interacting with consumer-grade technology, I'm actually glad that we don't have any of the amazing gadgets from sci-fi movies.  One dumb kid would paralyze themselves riding a hoverboard and ruin it for the rest of us.

Behold, the penis

page 15

This is hands down the worst pick-up line ever.  If someone says this to you in a bar, they're either blackout drunk or they have massive head trauma.

The theory of puff, puff, puff, pass

page 14

Someday, stoners will look back on this document the way Protestants regard Martin Luther's 95 Theses.

Superheroes pt. 3

page 13

My favorite Willem Dafoe role will always be the Green Goblin, because to this day, any time I see the word "Spider-Man," my mind goes to his voice saying "Spiiiiiderrrrr-Maaaaaaan!!" so dramatically that Nic Cage would tell him to tone it down.

Spidey & Aquaman

page 12

This is the second time Spider-Man has shown up in these files.  I think that motherfucker has a serious drug problem.

Captain America

pages 10-11

If Captain America was really the personification of the ol' U.S. of A, then his skin would be Simpsons yellow, he'd have diabetes, and his uniform would be covered in corporate logos NASCAR-style.