Cosmic wisdom

page 101

This concludes the third and final chapter of the Kraezofsky.  If you feel anything like the picture above, that means you've read through properly and absorbed the cosmic wisdom contained in all three volumes.  If this does not describe you, then start over and read through again.  Repeat until you achieve enlightenment.

Toy zipline

page 100

Whatcha gonna do when a tiny plastic racist wrestler comes zippin' past your face at 90 miles an hour on a mono-filament line stretched across the living room, brother?

Awesome shit!

page 99

Anytime you get bummed out over how thoroughly shitty mainstream culture is, remember that you are surrounded by awesome shit; you just have to know where to look for it.  That's the tricky part.

Troll of the Future

page 98

I imagine that any time travelers from the future will inevitably come across as lazy dicks because they won't be able to stop themselves from trying to solve all our current problems with their superior knowledge just so they won't have to deal with our backwards culture.  They'll be so exasperated that they can't just teleport everywhere they want to that they'll give us secret technological breakthroughs so we'll hurry up and invent it faster.

Auto-erotic canine

page 97

Don't worry, he's not dead; just masturbating.

Lock-Eater

page 96

It's just like that old capitalist saying goes: "If you're out of bread, just eat your locks.  If you don't have locks, then eat some rocks."

Drinking games

page 95

Sure, you may have a fancy "degree" that says otherwise, but unless you've viewed a beloved film from your childhood while blackout drunk, you haven't really been to college.

Side Face Killer Watchers

page 94

These guys are beastly fellows, and if you ever encounter one, chances are you won't live to tell anyone about it.  Keep your eyes peeled.

Dr. Herbert DeWinters

pages 92-93

The many inventions of Dr. Herbert DeWinters have saved countless lives throughout the years, and for that we should all be grateful.  Where would we be without the laser-powered drill, or the goblin shield, or the quantum detangler?  Dead, that's where.

Lady Gaga's next outfit

pages 90-91

I'm kind of bummed that Lady Gaga's whole "Queen Amidala on mescaline" aesthetic didn't catch on in the wider pop music community.  I get that it's an integral part of her uniqueness as an artist, but I'd love to see more mainstream teenybopper acts dressed head-to-toe in freshly-slaughtered goat entrails and bubble wrap as they perform at the VMAs.  Maybe then, I'd tune in.

Knowledge as a weapon

page 89

Weaponized knowledge has been America's leading export for over 50 years.  It's pretty much the only thing where we're still legitimately #1 in the world.

John the Monk

page 88

Legend says that whoever brings together the three relics of John the Monk will attain the ability to manipulate any muscle in your body in ways you never thought possible.

The Grid

pages 86-87

Stare at the Grid long enough, and the Grid stares back.  I think it was Nietzsche who said that, or maybe it was Keanu Reeves.

Dong Keykong Mauer

page 85

I can't wait for the trend of naming you child after whichever pop culture icon you like the most to really pick up steam as more Millennials have babies.  The reason why I'm excited is the prospect of having a president named "Harry Potter" or "Sonic the Hedgehog" in 50-60 years.

Herp Tea

page 84

Herp tea is just about the worst thing you can find in your coffee mug, next to a mug full of Ted Cruz's oily sweat.

Paul Giamatti sees everything!

pages 82-83

Paul Giamatti is the thinking man's Nicolas Cage.  Both are known to appear in nearly every kind of movie, across the spectrum, from Oscar-bait dramas to B-movie cheesefests; they seem to have very open minds or no standards when it comes to scripts.  They also are both known for utterly committing to the material they're given, no matter how insane the words coming out of their mouths may sound.  The only difference is the quality of output; in Giamatti's case, more often than not, he's the best part of the movie - even when he's in good movies.

Stranger Than Fiction

page 81

I think the best kind of movies are the obscure semi-forgettable ones. The kind that you never seek out, but end up watching on hour 5 of a cross country flight out of sheer boredom or happen to catch on some basic-cable backwater while in the grips of insomnia.  They are seen only once, and then live on as mis-remembered bizarre plot points and a composite of scenes full of elaborate spectacle. in your mind.  The movie ends up becoming a weird, better version of itself in your memory bank than anything Hollywood could ever come up with.

Jakrit after beer bong

page 80

You know the old saying: first you hit the beer bong hard, then the beer bong hits you harder.

Porch chillin'

page 79

There's no better way to spend an afternoon than sitting on a porch with a six pack and doing some old-fashioned people watching.

Meaty Fruit Roll-Ups

page 78

Gentlemen, salami sales are down 15%, turkey is down 28%, and don't even get me started on the numbers for bologna. One thing is clear; it's time to re-brand cold cuts for the Millennial generation using the time-tested strategy of appealing to the nostalgia for their idyllic youth.   This will be done through association with a beloved snack food that was heavily marketed during the 1990s.  I give you Meaty Fruit Roll-Ups!

Dimetrodon

page 77

Dimetrodon is the best candidate! Only Dimetrodon will drive out the sauropods who crowd our fields! Dimetrodon will Make Pangaea Great Again! Dimetrodon 200000016 BC!

Hair fire

page 76

Hair fire is among the lesser-known classical elements, along with slightly-moist dirt, old pennies, and petrified fish.

My nipples are like diamonds!

page 74

If your nipples turn to diamond, the only thing you can really do about it is get a job cutting glass with those suckers.

Bear dick

page 74

I guess I'd be pretty excited if I saw a bear dick that large, too.

Snackbar Jones

pages 72-73

Some legends are so much larger-than-life that, to properly tell their stories, one would have to break the very boundaries of language itself.  Their exploits are so astonishingly superhuman in scope that one would be forgiven for confusing them with gods.  Their lives are so vast and epic that the fabric of the universe itself shudders with awe.  Snackbar Jones is one such man.

Tiny bucket

page 71

I wouldn't recommend sticking your hands into a tiny bucket, even if you're Paul Giamatti.  It's not as fun as it sounds.

You can fly

page 70

The best literature is always conceived when the author is in a certain distinct state of mind; namely, being completely fucked up on their drug(s) of choice.

Fire hazard

page 69

As Mitch Hedberg once eloquently put it: "If you are flammable you have legs, you are not a fire hazard."

Shitty Netflix Films

page 68

It's a basic fact that any movie starring or prominently featuring a musical artist in an acting role will be a hot piece of garbage.  The only two exceptions to this rule are David Bowie and Ice Cube*.

*The inclusion of Mr. Cube is debatable, since his career trajectory is starting to resemble Adam Sandler's

3-D gun

page 67

Stop living in the past and join the 21st century with your very own brand-new 3-D gun!  It shoots fully 3-D bullets and fits right in its own 3-D holster.  Get one today, so Obama can come take it away tomorrow, then go out and buy another one!

Is the skeleton came yet?

page 66

I'm back from an unscheduled computer-related hiatus, during which time I was unable to access the files containing these glorious pages of wisdom.  What better way to restart things than with this page featuring one of the all-time greatest quotes ever uttered by a human being.  Enjoy.