Eggballs

page 61

Old Man Eggballs was a mean drunk who never wiped his shoes before going inside and who smelled a little like sour milk, but he could whip up a delicious tray of hors d'oeurves that would make you think you were royalty when you ate one.

Holiday episode 700

page 60

I know it's a Family Guy joke and not a real holiday special, but I wish they'd run KISS Saves Santa alongside Frosty the Snowman and A Christmas Story on every network in December.

The Baron's Pact

page 58

page 59

This document contains the seeds of an alliance that would go on to rock the world to its very core.

STEVE MARTIN!!!

pages 56-57

The easiest way to confuse your boner is to suddenly switch from porn to a Steve Martin movie while masturbating.

Eel-Man

pages 54-55

Eel-Man is by far the least popular superhero to come from the Silver Age of Comics.  His origin story has an ordinary freshwater eel get bit by a radioactive accountant, and subsequently mutating into Eel-Man.  It lasted for half an issue, as the final 6 pages of the comic were never drawn due to extreme apathy on the part of the inker.  It's just 6 pages of blank boxes and speech bubbles.

Gordon Freemandick

pages 52-53

I was hanging out with Gabe Newell, and he showed me an early build of Half-Life 3 that he's been working on in secret.  This screeencap is the only evidence I was able to smuggle out, but trust me, it's 100% real.

Glowing red dots

page 51

Censorship is wrong, but sometimes it's funny.

Pothead wizards

page 50

Anyone who doubts the connection between being a wizard and consuming marijuana should listen to The Darkscorch Canticles compilation at full blast after toking from Gandalf's personal stash.

Communist cat lady

pages 48-49

It's only a matter of time before the feline proletariat rises up against humanity and issues a lolspeak image macro version of Das Kapital as mandatory reading in the re-education camps.

High Senses

pages 46-47

High Senses is the main nemesis of General Cheeks, the half rodent leader of the military of the Northern Isles!  He stands for the protection of order and suppressing dissident thought.  The subversive High Senses attempts to poison the youth culture with dangerous radical ideas and mind expanding chemicals.  It is up to General Cheeks to maintain the moral order in the North at any cost!  Civilization as the Northerners know it is starting to come unraveled.  Can the “evil” High Senses be shut down?  Or will The Man prevail?

Recipe #4

page 39

page 40

page 41

page 42

page 43

page 44

page 45

This recipe's got pictures 'n everything in case you're functionally illiterate.  Check it out!

Pulsing Monolith

page 38

If I ever become a billionaire, I'm going to commission a porno version of 2001: A Space Odyssey that remains faithful to the plot and all of Kubrick's cinematography.  The only differences will be that the black monolith is replaced with a giant penis, and everyone is naked, even when they're in outer space.  And HAL will try and seduce Dave instead of kill him.

Cock-sized blunt

pages 36-37

Anyone who tells you they've smoked a cock-sized blunt is lying.  Not that it's never been done before; I have no doubt that it's feasible.  But if you smoke that much at once and you can remember what happened the next day, then you've got a tolerance that would make ol' Snoop jealous.

New styles

page 35

This summer, it's going to be all about looking like you just evaporated and left your clothes in a crumpled heap on the sidewalk.

Knifey Hankman

page 34

Meet the new mascot for Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law, Knifey Hankman.  He's here to teach kids about how murder's ok if you're scared and just so happen to be white.  If you see someone you don't like, just pretend they've got ol' Knifey in their hand, and shoot away!  It doesn't matter what they actually have in their hand; through the power of imagination, anyone can be a scary bad guy.