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| page 101 |
This concludes the third and final chapter of the Kraezofsky. If you feel anything like the picture above, that means you've read through properly and absorbed the cosmic wisdom contained in all three volumes. If this does not describe you, then start over and read through again. Repeat until you achieve enlightenment.
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| page 100 |
Whatcha gonna do when a tiny plastic racist wrestler comes zippin' past your face at 90 miles an hour on a mono-filament line stretched across the living room, brother?
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| page 99 |
Anytime you get bummed out over how thoroughly shitty mainstream culture is, remember that you are surrounded by awesome shit; you just have to know where to look for it. That's the tricky part.
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| page 98 |
I imagine that any time travelers from the future will inevitably come across as lazy dicks because they won't be able to stop themselves from trying to solve all our current problems with their superior knowledge just so they won't have to deal with our backwards culture. They'll be so exasperated that they can't just teleport everywhere they want to that they'll give us secret technological breakthroughs so we'll hurry up and invent it faster.
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| page 97 |
Don't worry, he's not dead; just masturbating.
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| page 96 |
It's just like that old capitalist saying goes: "If you're out of bread, just eat your locks. If you don't have locks, then eat some rocks."
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| page 95 |
Sure, you may have a fancy "degree" that says otherwise, but unless you've viewed a beloved film from your childhood while blackout drunk, you haven't really been to college.
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| page 94 |
These guys are beastly fellows, and if you ever encounter one, chances are you won't live to tell anyone about it. Keep your eyes peeled.
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| pages 92-93 |
The many inventions of Dr. Herbert DeWinters have saved countless lives throughout the years, and for that we should all be grateful. Where would we be without the laser-powered drill, or the goblin shield, or the quantum detangler? Dead, that's where.
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| pages 90-91 |
I'm kind of bummed that Lady Gaga's whole "Queen Amidala on mescaline" aesthetic didn't catch on in the wider pop music community. I get that it's an integral part of her uniqueness as an artist, but I'd love to see more mainstream teenybopper acts dressed head-to-toe in freshly-slaughtered goat entrails and bubble wrap as they perform at the VMAs. Maybe then, I'd tune in.
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| page 89 |
Weaponized knowledge has been America's leading export for over 50 years. It's pretty much the only thing where we're still legitimately #1 in the world.
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| page 88 |
Legend says that whoever brings together the three relics of John the Monk will attain the ability to manipulate any muscle in your body in ways you never thought possible.
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| pages 86-87 |
Stare at the Grid long enough, and the Grid stares back. I think it was Nietzsche who said that, or maybe it was Keanu Reeves.
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| page 85 |
I can't wait for the trend of naming you child after whichever pop culture icon you like the most to really pick up steam as more Millennials have babies. The reason why I'm excited is the prospect of having a president named "Harry Potter" or "Sonic the Hedgehog" in 50-60 years.
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| page 84 |
Herp tea is just about the worst thing you can find in your coffee mug, next to a mug full of Ted Cruz's oily sweat.
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| pages 82-83 |
Paul Giamatti is the thinking man's Nicolas Cage. Both are known to appear in nearly every kind of movie, across the spectrum, from Oscar-bait dramas to B-movie cheesefests; they seem to have very open minds or no standards when it comes to scripts. They also are both known for utterly committing to the material they're given, no matter how insane the words coming out of their mouths may sound. The only difference is the quality of output; in Giamatti's case, more often than not, he's the best part of the movie - even when he's in good movies.
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| page 81 |
I think the best kind of movies are the obscure semi-forgettable ones. The kind that you never seek out, but end up watching on hour 5 of a cross country flight out of sheer boredom or happen to catch on some basic-cable backwater while in the grips of insomnia. They are seen only once, and then live on as mis-remembered bizarre plot points and a composite of scenes full of elaborate spectacle. in your mind. The movie ends up becoming a weird, better version of itself in your memory bank than anything Hollywood could ever come up with.
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| page 80 |
You know the old saying: first you hit the beer bong hard, then the beer bong hits you harder.
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| page 79 |
There's no better way to spend an afternoon than sitting on a porch with a six pack and doing some old-fashioned people watching.
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| page 78 |
Gentlemen, salami sales are down 15%, turkey is down 28%, and don't even get me started on the numbers for bologna. One thing is clear; it's time to re-brand cold cuts for the Millennial generation using the time-tested strategy of appealing to the nostalgia for their idyllic youth. This will be done through association with a beloved snack food that was heavily marketed during the 1990s. I give you Meaty Fruit Roll-Ups!
