Recipe #7

page 37

The Dutch Margarita is the drink of choice for the plutocrat on the go.  Accept no substitutes!

Why didn't you-

page 36

I present you with dialogue from Michael Bay's next feature; a four hour montage of sideboob, explosions, and racist jokes set to the tunes of Sammy Hagar.  It's being called "Fuck Your Stupid Brain."

The Monarch

page 35

In my opinion, "The Trial of The Monarch" is probably the finest half-hour of television ever produced.

Conan don't give a shit

page 34

Conan O'Brien has absolutely no time for your boring stories.  He can't be bothered to show the slightest interest in your dumb hobbies.  He feels no need to express any sympathy about your dead pet.  But can you really blame him?  I mean, the guy doesn't even know you.

Jolly Rancher flavors

pages 32-33

Grape flavored Jolly Ranchers are so gross that the only way to make them palatable is by adding medical-grade narcotics to the mix.

Where's My Christmas Uncle?

pages 30-31

This is it.  The Citizen Kane of unreleased films, destined to stay in some studio vault until the end of time because it's too good to share with the public.  If you're lucky, Tom Hanks might invite you to his annual screening which takes place on the summer solstice.  Those who've seen it describe the experience as akin to seeing the face of the Divine.

Palmer bait

pages 28-29

Golf legend Arnold Palmer has only one weakness: sexy cartoon lemons.