Mow a lawn

page 78

I leave you now with the wisdom of Hank Hill, the father we all wish we had.  This concludes Kraezofsky Volume II, but stay tuned for the third and final installment coming soon!

I feel young

page 77

Life is all about feeling young, and feeling young is all about punk rock and cartoons and breakfast cereal.  As long as you like those things, you'll do just fine.

Old man

page 76

If I was riding on a subway, and I locked eyes with this dude on accident, I don't know if I'd be more afraid to keep staring or to look away.  It's like he's gazing right through my soul.

Wheelburg

page 75

We are all sentient trash that were given life by wizards with nothing better to do.

Unicycle

page 74

Everyone with an "eccentric" habit or accessory should be forced to switch with someone else like them just so they all know how fucking stupid they are.  For example, somebody who wears a bow tie everywhere would be forced to ride a unicycle around instead.  Or somebody who smokes a tobacco pipe would be forced to care for an exotic pet.

Gigglebox

page 73

Gigglebox, the half-dog half-bro hybrid, was created in a lab by Soviet scientists in an effort to create a mascot for capitalism.  Don't be afraid; all he wants to do is party.

The Jelly Offering

page 71

page 72

If you ever find yourself lost in an otherworldly mushroom forest with neon air-jellies filling the sky around you, don't worry; you're probably just on acid.  That, or you really are in outer space and your helmet has a leak, and your oxygen-starved brain is making it all up.

Johnleg

page 70

The Johnleg is a powerful creature, capable of reshaping the Earth into whatever shapes strike its fancy.

Let the goose fly

page 69

There should be a customary type of bird that people release onto the street whenever they have a party.  That way, if you see a goose or whatever wandering the neighborhood, you know there's a sweet shindig going on nearby.

Necronomicon

page 68

I think it's pretty well established that if a book's cover is made of a living face, that book is evil.  Doubly evil if it's Bill O'Reilly's face.

Turn groovy for a moment

page 67

This is how about 95% of all TV shows get created.  A bunch of sentient lumps inhale drugs and then shout gibberish at each other.

Preserve the moose

page 66

Whatever it is that sets you apart from the mainstream is the best part of who you are.  Never lose touch with the weirdness inside you.  Unless it makes you vote Republican, that is. Because I think we can agree that voting Republican is weird as fuck if you're not a billionaire.

Smokin' Ripe

pages 64-65

If you haven't consumed illegal drugs through the carcass of an endangered animal at least once in your life, then you're not really living.  What are you waiting for?  Go out there and do it!

Sgt. Pothead

page 63

I'm starting a Beatles cover band that plays their songs in the style of Sublime, while dressed like trustafarians.  We'll be called Sgt. Pothead and every "cool" kid on your dorm floor will be at our shows.

Lottery ticket

page 62

You win some, you lose some.

Alcoholosaurus

pages 60-61

Few things in this world are as majestic and terrifying as a drunk dinosaur.

Handwritten letter

page 59

It's inevitable, with all the "artisan" and "hand-crafted" versions of consumer goods proliferating in the marketplace, that right now, somebody is forming a company dedicated to sending out your email in the form of a handwritten letter.  And that makes me want to vomit.

Birthdays

page 58

Birthdays are a chance to act as recklessly as you want without anyone judging your behavior.  If you want to set fire to a Best Buy while smoking PCP, then hey, go for it; it's your birthday.

Mr. Genero

page 57

Bill Murray is probably the only human who could successfully integrate himself into literally any subculture with no problems.  He could walk up to a group of Black Panthers wearing a white hood and they'd still want to hang out with him.

Long goblin

page 56

You may think you're a pretty long goblin, but have you ever stretched your body so it occupies every room in a house?  I didn't think so.

A good year

page 55

Is it too early to start the nostalgia boom for 2010? Can we reminisce about the good old days when everyone was listening to Sleigh Bells and Best Coast and whatever other indie shit was cool at the time, and people treated the Tea Party as a serious political faction to be respected?  On second thought, never mind.

Transformation

page 54

You can be literally anything you want! All you need is a good imagination, a child-like sense of whimsy, and some powerful psychedelics.

The Treasure Professor's Life Creatures

pages 50-51

pages 52-53

In today's special double installment, we learn the habits of two of the multiverse's most unusual and charismatic creatures.  All straight from the field notes of the Treasure Professor himself!

The kremulous fly trap

page 49

Not much is known about these mysterious plants, which are found in the lowland swamps of Borneo.  They have a taste for humans and other mammals, and can only be killed by swiftly jumping on their "head." Upon defeating one, you are granted a golden token which appears where the foul flower once grew.

Kremulous

page 48

Making up your own slang is a great way to sound cool and talk shit about people without them knowing.  Just try not to push it to some kind of Anthony Burgess level of complexity and you'll do fine.

Get Koffing High

page 47

It amazes me that stoners haven't adopted Koffing as their symbol or mascot yet.  Instead of wearing a super-obvious pot leaf or Bob Marley tee, why not just get something with an innocent looking Pokemon on it?  It's way more subtle.

AT-AT Walkman

page 46

If this was a real thing back in the 80's, George Lucas would be the richest human in history by now.

Dick flashlight

page 45

Dick flashlight is not a real flashlight and should not be used in an emergency.  Accessories shown here not included.  Requires 2 AA batteries (also not included).

Christmas residue

page 44

Christmas residue is what's left stuck to your body after you have sex with a stripper.  Or so I'm told.

Mr. Bananagrabber

page 43

I saw this guy walking in the rain one night, dressed in a banana costume.  It was pretty whimsical until I noticed that he had mechanical claws instead of hands.

Foreign man

page 42

Larry the Cable Guy was never meant for American audiences, but instead, he was created for some foreign reality TV show.  He's like a version of the "naive foreigner" Borat-type character that is from America instead of some "exotic" country.  He's been openly mocking our culture and way of life for YEARS and we still haven't caught on to his act.

Eat a dick

pages 40-41

Feel free to use this as an image macro when replying to assholes on the internet.

For Science

page 39

Saying you're doing something "for science" is hands-down the best way of justifying or explaining  your actions to any curious bystander.  Especially if what you're doing is illegal.

You look different...

page 38

If you draw while you're on mushrooms, you will come up with some things that will surprise you, like this hippo-headed dude, for instance.

Recipe #7

page 37

The Dutch Margarita is the drink of choice for the plutocrat on the go.  Accept no substitutes!

Why didn't you-

page 36

I present you with dialogue from Michael Bay's next feature; a four hour montage of sideboob, explosions, and racist jokes set to the tunes of Sammy Hagar.  It's being called "Fuck Your Stupid Brain."

The Monarch

page 35

In my opinion, "The Trial of The Monarch" is probably the finest half-hour of television ever produced.

Conan don't give a shit

page 34

Conan O'Brien has absolutely no time for your boring stories.  He can't be bothered to show the slightest interest in your dumb hobbies.  He feels no need to express any sympathy about your dead pet.  But can you really blame him?  I mean, the guy doesn't even know you.

Jolly Rancher flavors

pages 32-33

Grape flavored Jolly Ranchers are so gross that the only way to make them palatable is by adding medical-grade narcotics to the mix.

Where's My Christmas Uncle?

pages 30-31

This is it.  The Citizen Kane of unreleased films, destined to stay in some studio vault until the end of time because it's too good to share with the public.  If you're lucky, Tom Hanks might invite you to his annual screening which takes place on the summer solstice.  Those who've seen it describe the experience as akin to seeing the face of the Divine.

Palmer bait

pages 28-29

Golf legend Arnold Palmer has only one weakness: sexy cartoon lemons.

Recipe #6

page 27

I hope you like sandwiches, because I just told you how to make one.

Frog of wisdom

page 26

"Listening to the frog of wisdom speak" is probably the best euphemism for vomiting I've encountered in my many travels on this planet.

Shark head

pages 24-25

It's a little known fact, but each strain of cannabis has a totem or spirit animal associated with it, and if you smoke too much at once, your head will take on the form of the relevant animal.  To get a shark head, just smoke an ounce of Sour Diesel.

Anal coverage probes

page 23

I've got news for any Google Glass users who think they're on the cutting-edge of technology: the future of wearable tech isn't on your head, it's up your ass.

Randy

page 22

Here's to everyone's favorite shirtless, sweaty, cheeseburger-loving assistant park manager.

Free condoms

pages 20-21

You should always try to work a Rodney Dangerfield quote into the conversation; nothing else is quite so simultaneously high-brow and low-brow.

Art ideas

page 19

You're not really an artist unless you've got a notebook full of half-baked installation ideas you have no intention of ever doing.